Amazing. I really value the greater part of the remarks I get from you, different spots, and secretly since I initially posted. I am amazingly fortunate to have such a large number of individuals who are so steady of me, and who are pulling for me. Many are individuals I scarcely know, some are individuals I’ve never met eye to eye, all are people I value each day.
In any case, I would prefer not to delude people with my last post. Yes, headaches bring unbearable, crippling torment. No, it is not charming or agreeable or anything I would wish on my most exceedingly terrible adversary. Be that as it may, unending (or steady) headache does not mean consistent excruciating and hopelessness. The torment level varies for the duration of the day, some of the time from hour to hour. I measure it on a size of 1 to 10, with 10 being a level I have never come to, and I don’t need any of you to think I have spent each day of the most recent ten months at a level 8 or 9.
That is not how it functions and, all the more critically, I am not superwoman.
The agony is dependably there, however it vacillates. In the most recent 10+ months, it’s typically been between 2 or 3 and around a 6 or 7, yet since May, with a couple of special cases, my gauge is presently around a 5, and in the last couple of weeks, the headache has been drawing closer or surpassing 8 more frequently. It’s been deteriorating, and it can turn on a dime. I can come throughout the day at a 3 or 4, and after that unexpectedly hit 7.5 and need to rests quickly. Now and then, the inverse is valid. For me, the eccentrics is harder to manage than the torment itself.
Which drives me to what I call The Missing. The term has multifaceted nuance, you see. The missing alludes to me, in that I am once in a while observed any longer outside my home, and since I don’t have individuals over, I’m once in a while observed by anybody by any stretch of the imagination. I’m missing. What that term speaks to additional for me, however, is everything I miss. The arrangements I make and can’t keep, or the arrangements I essentially don’t make . . . since following quite a while of disillusionment from canceling over and over, I just don’t attempt any longer. (We should not in any case get into the impromptu, surprising minutes when those I think about need somebody and I can’t be there for them — I can’t go there right now.) So The Missing for me is missing life: the easily overlooked details, similar to supper with my dear companion B and his significant other who’ve been striving throughout recent months; the essential things, such as supporting a companion through the passing of a friend or family member (excessively numerous companions have endured for the current year, and I have been truant in soothing them all); and at times, something huge and truly fun and reason for festivity.
Today I woke up at 9 am after around 4 hours of lay down with my head at a level 8.5 and queasiness so awful I couldn’t hold dilute. Which was helpful, considering I knew this was a lack of hydration incited headache. The arrangement I knew would help decrease my torment level was inaccessible to me. Absolutely not the first run through.
Awakening along these lines affirmed for me what I had officially suspected: I would miss my companion E’s wedding today.
I could invest energy letting you know how extraordinary E is, the way extreme the most recent couple of years have been for her, how brilliant this marriage is for her life and her future and how it comes at simply the opportune time. I won’t. I will simply say that today was, I trust, a really glad day for a ton of magnificent individuals and I couldn’t be more joyful for her. I just wish that satisfaction weren’t tempered by my own narrow minded bitterness at not having the capacity to be there myself.
Late this evening, after the headache quit shouting and I could ingest water and nourishment, I got up, put on the new dress I had purchased for the event, and took a photo of myself wearing that dress in the reflection of my room wardrobe. It sounds entirely pitiful and wretched, and it felt that, too. In any case, it additionally made me feel like I was there a tiny bit more in soul. Like I missed a tad bit less. Hello, it got me out of my night wear for 10 minutes.
I do have plans for after Johnston. Not simply in my mind, I have made them. Some of them can’t be wiped out or modified, so I will either experience them feeling better after the treatment at Precious stone, or I should by one means or another power through with the headache at whatever level it is.